Feeling rather ashamed of myself now. Coming out of that self imposed black hole.
Wish at times I could erase it all away, but maybe the past is not such a bad thing after all. We can learn so much from it.
I dove into my" wonderful" downward spiral after a session with my counselor last Thursday. Not her fault I hasten to add, anything but.. It never ceases to amaze me how the mind works, memories that lie dormant for many years but that have been ingrained into the foundations laid in childhood.
I confess I am confused with the inner child, outer child and then you having to parent both of those needs in you. I struggle enough at times with my own kids but maybe stepping back I do see the similarities in our behavior.
It was on Saturday that I started seeing that it was actually my outer child; that was as my counselor puts it "Running Amok" how shamefully true. But I am not going to beat myself up on that, No I am going to learn from it, accept it and her and me the whole bundle that is just going around the next bend into a wonderful new life.
I think I struggle with accepting changes, on one hand I know they are good but yet I fear them, is that because change is hard ?? it takes you into the unknown ??
I realize now that I have pushed my "adult" self into facing the giants and making some of the necessary steps to change but in the process I have left behind the fearful, hurt abused wee girl that is not yet ready to make that transition and then the pain in the butt" outer ", jumps in with all the negative, angry angst emotions going to stir it all up again.
If your confused think how I feel and have sympathy for my poor family and friends , they have put up with an awful lot from me over the past few years since the PTSD was diagnosed and treatments began. I hope and pray that one day when we come through this and I know we will , that my journey will bring a hope to others.
I have known and know so many people from similar backgrounds as I, we get lost in the system, because on the outside we look OK but it's the inside that falling apart.
There is hope....