I wish I could explain, the chaos when it comes,
Like a tornado, spreading it's wreckage and debris where ever it runs.
The nightmare's, the endless screaming in my head,
Blind panic, fear and dread.
Crying, sobbing then crying some more,
followed by exhaustion ... silence ....and finally sleep.
Only to begin again when I awake.
Watching and waiting for the next signs to alert me of the coming storm.
Batten down the hatches, here we go again.

Trying to understand and apply all what I am taught,
to bring this chaos under control
I hate, I hate it; wish it would all go away,
Wish that I could just run away.
There that's my "child" again,my "mini me", as I'm coming to call her.
The hurt, angry child that has been so battered and confused.
Believes so intently she is good for nothing,will amount to nothing and is nothing....


Am I mad ??
Am I going insane ??
Sometimes feel I am...
Sometimes I, no .. we, feel so very alone.
No one understands,
yep its going in " no one hears cause no one cares" (mini me adds that.)
I know that is not true.
Wish I had someone who has already been there,
Who knew what was coming, who could share my anxiety,reassure me that it will be OK .
Don't want to feel this pain, I want to be whole (whatever that means),
But I feel I'm / we are going back there again.

Never make promises you cannot keep...
You will only weep when you fail....
There should be no drought's around me...
and I wonder if God really is saving them in a jar.....

"What do you remember" ??
"What do you feel" ??
The screaming is rising once more...
breathing rapid and shallow...
Tears are flowing, I cannot speak
The saltiness burning my cheeks and lips.
"remember your breathing " utters a voice
"slow and deep"..."in and out" .. "in and out"...

No No No No No More.no more please no more....