Friday, 2 April 2010
Easter Saturday -Thanks Dad
This seems so strange to be posting a picture of my dearly departed dad, yet he died unexpectedly Easter (Saturday) weekend 2006.
There is not a day goes by where I don't think about him, and all the good and bad that was intertwined in our lives.
I have no idea if my father gave his heart to the Lord, I hope he did, I feel in my heart he is with him now, but I am assured that he is in peace .
I'm sorry we never said I love You, often enough.. or even at all.
I'm sorry we never exchanged the warm embraces,cuddles and hugs that I now pour upon my own children.
I'm sorry I doubted you ever loved me, because I know now you really did.
I'm sorry you could never find it in your heart to say how proud you were of what we had become. Of what we had achieved or even how far we had come.
Too many wasted years of hiding the hurt, the shame, the insufferable pain of what others had poured upon our lives.
Yet we could have helped one another so much more .
Dad when you left this earth, there were so many unanswered questions, why ? how ? who ? I was always so afraid to ask for fear of your response.
When you left I thought those answers had died with you too.
My world crashed when you slipped away, stunned for days, when the enormity of it all finally hit home My reason for living became extinct, I could not cope and lost the will to live.
Yet not, as those wee precious gems of children I felt could not be abandoned as we had all those many years ago.
Somewhere in the middle of the rubble and debris of shattered life's a seed planted many many years ago received the kiss of life, or maybe that should be the water of life. ?
"Never will I leave you , Never will I forsake you " Hebrews 13:5
was appearing all the time in different areas,"Ask ask give it up", rattling in my head. But why would God want me..?? Love me ?? Forgive me ???
One things for sure that Tues 23rd May 2006, my life changed I wanted to die that day, but plead instead for God to fix me or finish me cause I cannot go on as I am sinner and all hurt and broken.
On a journey now of discovery and answers to the many questions I had have now been answered. Jesus is awesome, the road is agony at time's and i still want to end my life but the Lord is holding my hand even if and when I push him away.
Trying to get to know God as father is very hard, keep waiting for the rejection, that same bitter sting that came so often before from so many people, but ironically enough I have found I reject myself the most.
Dad there is a child in me that needs to be heard, needs to be free, needs loved, and be held.