Wednesday morning urg I am so tired, slept yet feel like I haven't.
Coiled spring ready to snap is how I am these days...
This morning trying to find the reason to carry on .
That sounds so lame considering all the stuff that is going on in the world, there are folks in far worse situations than I.
Does God hear me ??
Does he love me ?? even when I hurt myself ??
I can scream and no one gives a toss, just me throwing one of my tantrums or whatever they are.
Sigh away to face the world again with the plastic smile.
Tonight,” you say, “we must stay up late—To celebrate!Tonight the bandages come off,The skin is healed.Tonight we will burn the bloody ragsAnd dance in the bonfire’s light!Tonight, ah, tonight,” you say,“We will forget the hard times.”
You do not understand, my friend,Why, despite your words and smiles,I sit in my corner by the window,Silent still.How can I explain it?Yes, my bandages have been peeled away,But when I glance at myself,I am nothing but shocked at the bare vulnerabilityI see in their place.And when you glance at me,I am shocked in the same wayThat you do not see the woundsStill raw and bloodyThat my eyes tell you ofIn a scream without words.
My friend, it is the memoriesThat keep me sitting here in silence.The skin is healed, butDo not assume that underneath it all,I am not still a mess of broken veinsDrowning my lungs in blood.My friend, the wounds are still here.They have sunk down deepWhere they are harder to see,But they have not disappeared.