Saturday, 17 April 2010
I didn't think I would see this weekend, been the week(s) from the hell.
Been battling the war again, to live or die. A fight i have fought so many times in recent months/years.
God only knows what my family and friends(if I have any left )think.
"At your age, you should know better", yes that is true, and there really is no excuse.
But yet when that intensity arises there is little I can do. I reach out in my own way maybe the wrong way, but it's the only one I know.
The old familiar pain awakens and begins to arise within,I the
Adult have never learned how to take control and abandons her inner child to deal with it ,until such time (I adult) can take over.
This week I hate that pest(mini me as I call her ) that wont go away. The intensity of hurt goes so deep that I cannot explain,then when it bursts through its like a volcano erupting with all the debris and molten lava spewing forth....the only reprieve is turning away from everything and everyone.Hurting myself brings a calm temporary as it is. It worked when I was a child but it doesn't have the same effect now.
In another few weeks theses emotions and memories will surface again for the cycle to begin again.
I hate this so much.
No one understands.
My husband says get over it its past .., so he now longer gets to hear anymore.
Counselor says i hear your pain ha !! mmm your trained to say that.
I'm told to turn to God who knows it all and knows all this hurt and pain yet I'm so scared to fully take it there. What if he does as everyone else does and leave ??
Years and years ago as a child I cried out for the Jesus who loves little children and memories of the strains of jesus loves me this I know ringing in my ears yet why did all that stuff not stop.
Why did she hate me ??
Why did she hurt me ?
your not good enough ..
you cant do that ...
Its carried on throughout this life, looking for love and acceptance and never finding it cause Im a freak.
A freak that should never have been born.
And yet I have the strains of the song below playing and I keep hearing I have been with you always and your not alone , tears stream down my face again.
Cannot face Church, was hurt there just a few weeks ago... forgive and move on, but the memory of it's there and so is the fact that others knew what was happening and let it happen Why ???
Teach me a painful lesson ??.. thanks lesson learned . So is another one not to trust you again.
Harsh yes .. but As a child I trusted everyone and everything until I learned different. Been told to embrace and nurture this inner child that has cuts so deep from the lies and broken trust, from the pushing away, from the inability to embrace me as I am.
I scream to be held yet you all flee.
I ask to see the God as father you all keep going on about but you dont. The father is as in The Prodigal Son yet the one I see is aloof and saying she's at it again and turns away.Just as you all do.
Why wont you help me ??
Do you think the silent treatment helps cause It doesn't, thats how it was in the past and it's still the same.
I tell myself over and over again I am loved and accepted and many times I do believe that but right now this child hurts so much, she feels so very alone.
Be easier if I were not around and then I would not hurt my own family.
I love them to bits but I'm hurting them the same way I was as a child and rejecting my husband as my father rejected me the cycle continues ...
They deserve better than this