Sitting here tears streaming down my face again.
I can make no sense of it all.I don't know where all the hurt and pain is coming from, then suddenly it's gone ...... only to surface again.
Having to see my GP on a double weekly basis, man it makes me feel insane.
But then how many folk deliberately scald themselves ?? it had the desired effect I stopped thinking of the hurt that was overwhelming me and had to focus on my hand no real damage thankfully though my fingertips are a bit tingly and the top of my hand feels numb.Other than that no outwards marks to the damaged caused..
She wants me to see a psychiatrist,(not surprised) but I have not agreed with that yet.
See my counsellor tomorrow (Thursday) not looking forward to that either. All get in touch with your feelings and stuff, I don't want to feel cause when I do it hurts again.Its so confusing cause it feels childlike I'm told your not a child you have to take control but how ??
Give me a burst pipe.. a child falling and skinning their knee, a family illness that I can deal with but the intensity of hurt and pain that this is bringing out no.
All inner child, outer child, parent your inner child.... "Your child is acting out and adult you has left her " What ????I try and explain that to folks here and they just look at me as if I'm mad. I don't understand.
What I don't understand I cannot work with,I figure the folks I'm asking are the wrong one's as they have never had these issues (lucky them)
Ha I just remembered I was at a Emmeaus Course run by the local church a few years ago, I hate groups at the best of times so this was a challenge to attend, I remember thinking God if you want me there You will get me there. Crazy I know but ..
One night the "Proby minister" who was leading the group asked us all what kind of childhood we had had, Cringe .... If I could have bolted out the door I would have. but unfortunately I was at the back of the table, which was at the back of the room so was unable to get away. We'd broken off into the guys and gals thing again but here they were oh my childhood was this and mine was that, and we maybe had little money but we knew we were loved. Can I deck them I thought??, maybe their lying Oh wait Christians don't lie ha ha ha ,,, It must have been me then, my fault cause my mother was nothing like the one's these other folks were describing . I think when it finally got round to me I was so mortified that I said something like "My childhood was pretty crap and my mother should never have been a mother and that's all your getting outta me ". Since then group talks have improved slowly but hearing all the good stuff that others had leaves me wondering "what did I do wrong ??"
I loved my mam as I called her ... she's still alive but I haven't seen her in 36 yrs .. I don't want her contaminating the relationship I've fought so hard to build with my own kids, Never wanted kids of my own as I was afraid I'd be like her...
I hope I've been a better mum, they are all still here anyway. Only had 2 homes and 2 schools as opposed to goodness knows how many homes and latterly we attended 22 schools in 2 yrs, yep we moved a lot. Think she was hiding the fact that she was drugging me, saying I was an epileptic when I wasn't, My half brother and sister came to stay and found me comatose. Great meeting up with them a few years ago to Howard saying "the last time I saw you, you were off your face on drugs" I was 7 or 8 then. Maybe this is a moment where I should back up and take stock of how that 7/8 yr old must have felt, as she was me. Is that what I'm to get to how hurt that wee child was/is ? yeuch feel the churning going again time to stop .